This is my new year’s anti-reflection.
It’s been two months since I wrote anything on here. I try to keep what I write here positive and uplifting. A chronicle of the great things that are happening with my family, mostly with my kids, who are growing up too fast.
It’s been two months of pretty intense misery. This painful, emotional, crushing, ripping apart of my soul. The six months prior to that had been no cakewalk either.
What do you say when what you have to say isn’t so nice. When it’s all dark and depressing and tiptoes into that ‘airing your dirty laundry on the internet’ space. I guess I say nothing. I’ve written, privately. It’s just not fit for public consumption.
Usually, I end every December with a reflection of the past year. A review of my goals, my resolutions. A hard look at where I need to improve, how I want to be better. The things that were great, that I want to keep doing, and the new things I want to achieve in the new year.
But I don’t want to do that this year. I’ve struggled with it, and wrestled with it, and come to the conclusion that I’m just plain not going to reflect. I’m not going to do it. I’m still in the midst of this pain, I don’t have clear perspective or vision, and I’m just not going to torture myself by dwelling on a past that I can (right now) see no point to. I know there is one, and I’ll see it one day. But January 2012 is not that day.
How do you figure out your goals when you can’t even reflect on what you’ve done? When quite honestly, you can’t even remember much of what’s happened as it’s covered in a fog of pain? When you have no desire to even look up those goals your wrote down a year ago, have no clue what they are, but a vague suspicion that they went to the wayside right about mid-april?
I’m sticking with some very simple ones that are the only things that have been positive for me as of late.
More prayer. I pray a LOT, constantly some days. But for the most part, I get through the days easier when I remember to do it before I get out of bed in the morning. When the first thing I do before I even open my eyes is beg God for help, strength, and clarity.
Send cards. I got one birthday card this year, from some dear friends. They’ve done more for me that that card could ever encompass, but that one card, for a day that felt very less than special, it meant a lot. If it meant that much to me, surely it means something to others. So my goal is to make sure I send cards to family. I do pretty well with the children, but not so good with the adults. I hope to be better at that this year. I may not be able to afford a gift. But I can afford a card.
That’s all. I want to be all positive and loft and make goals about being happy, or happier at the end of last year. But I think I’ll be doing well to make it through alive.