Not sure what it is about me that inspires people to point out my personality flaws so often. I mean…it’s not like just one person decides to share these kind of things with me. Generally, they are people that I think are honest and rational. Am I that bad of a person that others feel compelled to inform me of my shortcomings? It would have to be pretty bad….I’m trying to think of someone bad enough that I would say things like this to…and I honestly can’t. So how can I not see it. I’ve always thought that if a person was genuinely nasty, they knew it…they just didn’t care. But I do care! I certainly don’t want to be a bad person. There are only so many times you can say ‘It’s not me….it’s them’ before you really have to evaluate that statement. Logically, it can’t always be everyone else. It has to be me. If people who are otherwise honest and good say things things….then it must be me.
Some of it I can’t really do much about. The bad mother thing. It’s not like I can quit being a mother. I’m the only one my kids have. No one else can step in and do it if I don’t. I just have to hope and pray to be better….but honestly…if I can’t even see what makes me a bad mother even after it’s been pointed out to me, what chance do I have of that happening?
The other things…that I am untrustworthy, unchristian, graceless, terse, etc…..maybe that means I should step down from things. From dealing with people. If those things are true (and it seems they must be) then I have no place working with other people.
So I’m not really sure where to go from here…..what to do with myself. Why can’t I see it? If I’m so bad that other people feel compelled to say these things, why can’t I see it? If I’m trying so hard to be good and do good, surely there should be some sign to myself…something I can see before someone else takes it upon themselves to let me know I’m basically not fit for human company.