Indecision.

Well, I made it through the total craziness of last week.  Intact.  Without losing anyone or anything.  Everything that needed to get done, got done.

Now all I have left to REALLY concentrate on is Easter and Honduras.

With the evacuation of craziness…..it’s like I’ve hit this wall of indecision.  I spent most of yesterday paralyzed by….well….I don’t know.  Nothingness really.  Yesterday, there was nothing pressing that needed doing.  And that’s exactly what I did.  Nothing.

I thought about the things I could be doing.  I could have prepped the bathroom for painting and gotten the painting done on Thursday.  It’s not a NEED, but it sure would be nice to have that done.  I sat around in bed for too long, then played on the computer too long.  That in itself should have been a sign to me that I needed to be elsewhere.  The internet bores me when I’m busy and happy.  When the depression creeps in…I can spend hours clicking away and reading….nothing.

Chris mentioned something about prepping the bathroom, so I didn’t do it.  I just sat and waited for him to do it.  How stupid is that?  I started a load of laundry.  I baked a mediocre loaf of bread.  I did a crappy job of running the vacuum (where you just move the clutter out of the way and vacuum around it…instead of putting it away).  My soul drifted down.  And down.  I took a nap with Celia.  I woke up feeling ignored and nonexistent.

Went to church where the kids and Chris are all happy and fit it, but I don’t.  Sat with a group of people where no one knows me.  Went to a meeting and wondered what I was doing there.  Had a disagreement and heard words that broke my heart. Missed a night of sleep.

You could say it wasn’t a good day.  Where did it come from?  I just spent two weeks being….dare I say it….happy?!?!

Is that what I need to be happy?  Endless chaos?  I hope not.  Last week was enough to make my head spin, I don’t want to live like that to be happy.  But I don’t want to be unhappy either.

Luckily I had plans for today.  I stumbled through them in a fog of sleeplessness and feeling worthless.  And I have plans for tomorrow.  Hopefully by the end of tomorrow I will have found my direction and my happiness again.

The worst thing I can do right now is just sit around and allow hopelessness to take over.  Sometimes though….I feel powerless to do anything else.

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This entry was published on April 7, 2009 at 8:13 pm and is filed under me. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

One thought on “Indecision.

  1. Tempest Mom on said:

    “Had a disagreement and heard words that broke my heart.” Becks, who was the disagreement with? Family or someone outside of the family? I about stopped in my tracks when I read that one sentence 😦

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